Oh, Dear God
by The Real Jacob Black
Summary: Edward gets a mysterious package in the mail. Comes after "The Journey to Mod Jail".
1. The Package

"So, Jacob."

Jacob sighed. "What is it, Edward?" She brushed her long, silky black hair out of her face and batted her eyes.

"Well, Jacob, I was thinking... No, it's stupid." Edward looked away. He would be blushing, but since he was a vampire, he couldn't. So instead he just sparkled.

Jacob chuckled. "What is it? You're sparkling."

"Yeah, well, uh, this is just really embarrassing for me."

"Aw, come on," Jacob purred, which Edward thought was oddly out of character, considering the fact that Jacob was a werewolf.

He sighed, giving in. "Alright, alright. Well, I was just thinking, that since Bella and I divorced, and you're a girl and all, well... I was wondering if you would, uh, marry me?" The last part was barely audible, a mere squeak, but Jacob heard it anyway.

"Oh, Edward, of course I will!" She jumped up off the couch and hugged him.

Edward was just about to kiss her, but then he heard a knock at the door. He got up and opened it. Carlisle, who was still a unicorn, was standing in the doorway. "Hey, Edward, there's a package for you outside."

Edward groaned. "It's not a box full of fangirls, is it? I thought we stopped that when we set the last box on fire."

"I don't think so. There was no squealing."

Well, that was good enough for Edward. He ran to the front door and pushed the package inside. It was small, but really, really heavy. He opened it up and...

_We're no strangers to love_

_You know the rules and so do i_

_A full commitments what Im thinking of_

_You wouldnt get this from any other guy_

_I just wanna tell you how Im feeling_

_Gotta make you und-_

Edward slammed the box shut and threw it out the door. Then he walked back inside. "Guys, we've been Rickrolled!"

Carlisle poked his head out of the living room. "Shut up, brat, I'm watching House. Wait, did you say we've been Rickrolled?" He shot out of the living room. "This is horrible! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"

"WE'VE BEEN RICKROLLED?!" Jacob ran out of the bedroom, half in her dog form for some reason. Edward decided not to ask.

"Hey, you two weirdos, get in here," Carlisle hollered from the kitchen. Edward and Jacob joined him around the bubbling caldron. "Ah, glad you could join me. Now, to find out the hidden meaning behind this Rickroll..."


	2. Platypi

Carlisle peered into the bubbling depths of the caldron. Edward looked over his shoulder. "So, Carlisle, do you know what-"

"Shut up! I need to concentrate."

"But Carlisle-"

"Jacob, could you shut him up please?" Jacob nodded, and duct taped Edward's mouth shut.

"Good. Now, I'm getting a vision... A-a man, yes, he's kind of tall... And pale... Oh, with red eyes..." Jacob looked at Edward, who shrugged.

"Oh my Stephanie, it's Voldemort!" Carlisle backed away from the caldron, panting. Jacob untaped Edward's mouth since Carlisle was done.

Edward actually looked a bit wary, which normally didn't happen, considering that he was, you know, Edward Cullen, among other things. "_Voldemort_ Rickrolled us? But, that means he knows where we are! He'll kill us all for sure!" Voldemort had killed Edward's slightly less attractive wizard cousin, Cedric Diggory, so Edward knew all about the evil wizard and his murderous ways.

Jacob gasped. "You mean the same evil wizard who killed your slightly less attractive wizard cousin, Cedric Diggory?"

Carlisle gasped. "Voldemort killed your slightly less attractive wizard cousin, Cedric Diggory?"

Edward nodded. Jacob screamed and fainted. Carlisle groaned. "Edward, what are we going to do? This is bad. He's like, the most evily evil wizard in the history of evil wizards!"

"Yeah, yeah, I've got it handled. We'll just have to call the Power Rangers." Edward grinned.

Carlisle didn't feel any better. "Edward, the last time you had the Power Rangers over, you all just got drunk and did things I can't bear to mention."

Edward sparkled in embarrassment. "Well, I, uh, I guess we could move, or something."

Carlisle shook his head, his mane swishing. "No, I have a better idea. We'll call Perry the Platypus!"

"Huh, I heard they don't do much, those platypuses," Jacob said. It appeared she had woken up.

Edward grinned. "Actually, they fight crime."

"And for a reasonable price," Carlisle added. "And besides, I think it's 'platy_pi_'."

Edward shook his head. "No, definitely 'platypuses'."

"Oh, so when were you a biologist?" Carlisle demanded, giving Edward a fearsome glare.

"You wanna go, old nag?"

"Oh, it's on, fairy-boy!" Carlisle and Edward stepped outside to settle their differences.


	3. Blatant Parody

"Now, Carlisle, prepare to feel the wrath of my sparkly skin!" Edward shouted after the two had taken their positions on either side of the front yard.

"Psh. Your sparkly skin is no match for my sexiness," Carlisle retorted.

Edward growled, and shuffled his deck. Carlisle copied him.

Jacob poked her head out the door. "Guys, what are you doing?" she asked, looking at them as if they were insane.

Edward grinned. "I'm about to defeat Carlisle in a children's card game," he boasted, "And then I will steal all his fangirls!"

"Hah, Edward, you don't even know where I keep my fangirls!" Carlise laughed.

"They're in your basement."

"How did you know?"

"Because, every time I open the door I hear them squeeing."

Carlisle cursed. "Damn, I knew I should have gotten the basement sound-proofed."

"Shut up and duel me."

Edward and Carlisle each drew their first cards. Edward held his up. "I summon-"

All of a sudden, a loud _bang_ sounded from the house. Edward and Carlisle dropped their cards and rushed inside, fearing the worst. And, sure enough, they opened the door just in time to be trampled by a tsunami of escaped fangirls.

"What has happened? All my fangirls, running away!"

Jacob helped Edward and Carlisle up. She had scratches on her face. "I'm sorry, I tried to keep them contained," she said.

"What happened?" Carlisle demanded. "I had that basement under the highest security! How could they have escaped? And why would they even want to?"

"Well, you know that new Star Trek movie that came out a while ago?"

Edward and Carlisle nodded. They had.

"Well, they were on Youtube, and they watched some clips from it and..." She paused. "Are you guys sure you want to hear this?"

Carlisle nodded. "Just give me the truth, no matter how painful."

"Well, alright. It appears that the new Spock was just too much for their feeble fangirl brains to handle. As soon as they saw him, they started squeeing and rushed the door. I tried to hold them back, but their raging fangirl hormones were too powerful for me." She reached up to fix her hair. "Luckily, I am immune to fangirl syndrome, since I'm actually a male. Oh yeah, that reminds me. Carlisle, do you think you can use your witch doctor magic to change me back? I'm getting tired of carrying these boobs around. They're heavy."

As Jacob had been recounting the terrifying tale of the fangirls' escape, Edward had walked to the basement and was examining the computer. He saw that Gmail was open, with a link to the evil video that had turned the fangirls against them. It was from an address he wasn't familiar with. "Oh no. Someone sent the fangirls this video." He muttered, fearful. "That means they know we are nothing without them." Though it was difficult and terrifying to believe, there was someone out there who wanted to do harm to his sparkly person. And now that they were powerless to stop them... "I have to warn the other vampires."


	4. A Most Horrifying Propsition

All of the vampires from every corner of the world (excluding Carlisle, who was changing Jacob) were gathered in the Cullens' living room. It was almost like that time when they had all banded together to save Renesme from the head vamps, only this time the danger was to all of them. Edward stood in the middle of the group, hands clasped behind his back. Even vampires who didn't worship Stephanie Meyer had attended. "Welcome, fellow vampires," he said. "Now, I know the messages I sent you were very cryptic. That was necessary. We are all in great danger."

He watched as the other vampires jumped in their seats, and then continued. "Earlier today, our fangirls fled. I suspect many of you have had the same problem." Acknowledging nods from the assembled vampires. So, his suspicions were correct. "I have reason to believe that trickery is involved. Upon examining the basement, I noticed someone had emailed them a link to a promotional video of that Star Trek movie. You know the one. The fangirls watched it, and soon stampeded. Our werewolf tried to stop them, but, in his own words, he was no match for their raging fangirl hormones." The vampires' eyes widened in fear. Edward suspected none of them had bothered to investigate the reason behind their fangirls' flight. Things like this had happened before. Why, Carlisle's own fangirls had used to pledge their loyalty to the Pirates of the Caribbean fanbase.

Dracula raised his hand. "So, what do you propose we do? Obviously, this person wishes us to be powerless. Our fangirls will not be so easy to reclaim."

"Yeah," this was another vampire, probably one of the Alucards. "How are we supposed to get them back? I was barely holding on to them as it was."

"Oh, I think it's obvious," Nosferatu whispered.

"No! You can't mean-"

"Yes. _Fanservice_."

The assembled crowd let out a gasp. Fanservice was something the lowlier sorts had to resort to. A vampire had never had to sink so low.

"But, how?" asked another Alucard. "We've never had to resort to that before. How many of us actually know how to execute fanservice?"

Edward stood on the table. "We need to contact the masters of fanservice. The _Ouran_ High School _Host Club__._"


	5. Just Send the Damn Email!

"Edward, get down from there!" Carlisle called from the kitchen. "How many times do I have to tell you not to climb on things?" Edward sparkled brightly and jumped off of the table. He glared at the others, daring them to laugh, or giggle, or even smirk, and then sat back down in his chair.

Carlisle and Jacob entered the living room. Jacob was back to being his buff, manly self, though he didn't look too pleased. "What's this about fanservice?" he asked, giving the assembled vampyres (AN: Edward demands that it be spelled with a Y now *eye roll*) and curious look.

"Yeah, I'd love to know what you've got planned for us this time, Edward," Carlisle said sarcastically. He was familiar with Edward's "brilliant ideas", and knew how they often turned out badly for everyone.

"Well," Edward said, glancing at Nosferatu. "It wasn't my idea to start with. I just, you know, came up with the plan, and, well-"

"You were planning to invite the Ouran Host Club here." Carlisle sighed. "You know how I feel about anime, Edward. It's bad enough you were acting all adulterous with that Fire Nation prince, but now you have to actually invite them here?"

Jacob patted Edward sympathetically on the shoulder. "Oh, and I suppose you have a better idea?"

"Well, ah, well no, actually, I don't. But that isn't to say that we should jus-"

"Alright, then it's settled," Nosferatu shouted, obviously just wanting the whole thing to be done with already so he could get back to his spooky lair. "Now, Alucard," ten vampyres stood at attention. "Uh, you, the one three down from the far right. Yes, you. Send an email to the Host Club and see if you can get them down here within a week. Tell them we'll discuss payment in person." The Alucard in question seemed confused. Nosferatu sighed. "Do you even know how to use a computer?"

"N-no Sir, I don't."

"I'm surrounded by idiots! Just one of you, get on with it!" He shouted, exasperated, and then there was a loud crack and Nosferatu was gone. In his place, a bat flapped wildly, and then flew out the window.


End file.
